Portal 3: Wheatley Elementary
by StupidSequel
Summary: After Chell gets Wheatley back from space, she enrolls him in school so he won't be a moron anymore. When she misses GLaDOS as a potato, she plugs in Space core to do the work. Bad idea. Meanwhile, Ness, on a school field trip, receives a desperate plea to save Aperture from being blasted into space. Turrets being cute is a major theme here. Also featuring several one off jokes.
1. Turrets are cute

**Portal 3: Wheatley Elementary**

A slight crossover crack with Earthbound/Mother.

**Chapter 1: Turrets are cute  
**

Chell had no family, but she had the companion cube, and that was all that mattered. _I feel sorry for those turrets that were incinerated back there in the Aperture. I am such a complete monster. _Chell had forgotten there was a Walmart built near the Aperture laboratory. She went in, carrying her husband (oh, did I not tell you that sometime after the events of Portal 2 she married the companion cube?) and saw a shelf of portal guns.

"Sweet!" She got a portal gun and paid the cashier with her crebit card.

Meanwhile, Wheatley was still in orbit around the moon, with the space core orbiting him.

"I swear to God if I hear the word 'space' one more time, I will make you read one of StupidSequel's fanfics!" The space core immediately shut up. "Hey, moon's orbit?"

"Yes?" The moon's orbit answered.

"May I please exit you for a moment? I need to get back to earth."

"Sure," Moon's orbit answered.

"Hey , wai-" Wheatley was flung from the moon's orbit, but in the wrong direction. He was heading for the gas giants instead of Earth.

The asteroid belt was nigh, and that's not good for an itty bitty moron pool ball.

"I AM NOT A MORON!" Wheatley screamed at me, the narrator.

"Sorry," I apologized.

Wheatley was just lucky enough to miss all the asteroids and he eventually landed on one of Jupiter's moons.

"I'm safe, and sound, and I cannot die again. Science, I miss Chell. I wanna apologize to her, for trying to kill her. Tho I gotta admit, Aristotle vs. mashy spike plate was quite funny. As was the extreme redundancy of PotaTOS saying 'well, this is the part where he kills us' and then I said' Hello, this is the part where I kill you,' and then a bunch of floating letters came up that read 'Chapter 9-the part where he kills you' and the achievement was the part where he kills you and the name of the music that played on the invisible speakers was the part where he kills you. I helped her defeat the good turrets while the crap turrets were let through. I miss the old me."

Back on Earth, Chell successfully gained entry into the Aperture Lab. "I'm comin, Turrets!" She said, mispronouncing every word, because you would too if you hadn't spoken in over 6,000 years. Down the elevator shaft the four turrets were waiting. She reached in her pocket and picked out four quarters and threw them in front of the turrets' laser beams. The lasers reflected off of the quarters and she went down, down, proud of herself for diffusing GLaDOS's trap. She found herself in GLaDOS's lair.

"Didn't I tell you to never show your face here again?" GLaDOS said in her sexy voice.

"Shut up you oversized hunk of Windows Vista," Chell yelled.

"Oh, you can talk, huh? Well then I know you're definitely not Chell because Chell can't speak. I thought you were someone I knew. What's your name?" Chell felt left off the hook now.

"My name is Chell, and I am not Chell because I can speak-" GLaDOS cut her off.

"But I thought you weren't Chell. So you are Chell?"

"No. Wait, yes... I mean no! I DON'T KNOW!"

"Well, I'll let you think about it. Come back when you've made up you mind, shmoopty pie. If you are in fact Chell, I'm going to have to send you to the Shadow Realm since you're apparently immortal." Chell wanted to turn her into a potato again and then turn her into mashed potatOS.

Chell portaled her way back into the incinerator where the cute little turrets died a cruel death that they do not deserve since they are so cute. They were burned alive and Chell felt a pang of pity. She decided to risk having all her skin being burned off . She went down... with her orange jumpsuit still tied at her waist instead of up and over her, so she still had her white tank top taking over. _Oh crap. This isn't gonna protect me from the flames at all. But if I untie my jump suit and put it back on, then I will suffer __heatstroke. _How was she not getting burned, you ask? Same way people who walk on hot coals don't get their feet burned. She then slapped her forehead.

"Stupid me! I can't die, so what does it matter if I'm on fire?"

She reached down into the fire and pulled out a few turrets and portaled them back to safety. With all the non-crap turrets portaled to safety, she proceeded to take them all with her and escape the lab with them. Unfortunately that meant crossing GLaDOS's lair once more. Carrying all the turrets made Chell reminisce about the times Wheatley spent helping her get through the laboratory. _I want Wheatley back! _She ran like greezed lightnin past GLaDOS who blinked and missed her cuz Chell is such an athletic Mary Sue who could probably shake a 5 lb Shake Weight for an hour in one sitting. Back up the elevator to sunshine sunshine.

She portaled her way to the observatory and hijacked a telescope by shooting a random astronomer on the moon, just like Wheatley. She pointed the telescope at a small, distant object on the far side of the solar system. She recognized it as Wheatley. He was on one of Jupiter's moons. "Imma comin Wheatley," Chell vowed. She kept the turrets safe in a kennel. She temporarily let one out and dangled a string with a coin tied to one end in front of it. The turret swiped at it like a kittypet. "Awww," Chell sed.

She fired a portal on the ground and kept firing portals randomly in the sky, hoping that one of the portals would hit Jupiter's moon and release Wheatley back to Earth (the video game version of this would be where many a player would give up. Nearly unwinnable fake difficulty due to massive pixel searching. You have basically a whole sky composed of many, many pixels, and the spot on Jupiter's moon where Wheatley is consists of exactly one pixel. So it's just a matter of randomly firing and guessing which one pixel out of possibly thousands or millions would be the correct solution. And it's not like the end of Portal 2 where it doesn't matter which color portal you fire.)

Chell eventually got it, and Wheatley popped up from the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. And then came the most heartwarming moment in the entire portal franchise. Chell scooped up Wheatley in her arms and hugged him tight.

"I'm sorry, Chell, for trying to kill you. Being locked in GLaDOS's body made me power mad, like a drug. I never meant to hurt you."

"I feel so bad for hurling you into space." Chell apologized.

"Hey, you can talk. But why do you sound like a donkey with a sore throat and a French accent?" Wheatley looked a little closer at Chell's face. "And don't humans usually have two nostrils? I see you have three." Chell had to blow her nose. When she did, Wheatley couldn't talk anymore.

"Wheatley, are you okay?" Chell asked, sounding exactly like Wheatley. "Holy crap, I sound exactly like Stephen Merchant now." Chell cleared her throat. "I am a moron." That exact line sounded weird said in Stephen Merchant's voice. Wheatley shed a single tear. He no longer wanted to be a moron. Chell realized she had traveled a long way from Aperture Laboratories in her quest to randomly shoot the sky to make Wheatley come down. She looked at a sign and saw that she was in... Louisville, Kentucky! And what's more, there was an elementary school called Wheatley elementary. Could this be a sign?

(AN: There actually is a Wheatley elementarty school in real life there).


	2. Wheatley Elementary

**Chapter 2: Wheatley Elementary**

"Hi, I'd like to enroll my son at Wheatley elementary," Chell told the person who takes applications. The person stared at her silent for a few seconds.

"Where is this your son?" She asked Chell.

"I'm holding him."

"Looks more like a metal beach ball with a blue eye and handles to me. Hey, isn't that one of them cores that was attached to that glADoS thing at Aperture science?"

"It's GLaDOS, and yes."

"Well, since he's a moron and our institution will make him no longer a moron, he can be enrolled at Wheatley elementary."

Meanwhile, a boy named Ness was taking a class field trip to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. Instead of taking a bus, they just portaled their way there. At one point the tour led them to the dome ceiling room where Chell faced GLaDOS and then later Wheatley. Ness found a discarded potato with some kind of electronic equipment on it.

Six years later...

"Okay, Wheatley, now that you have graduated fifth grade and are no longer a moron and you're sorry for trying to kill me, let's try this again, and this time, DON'T TRY TO KILL ME!" Chell holding Wheatley, she went back into Aperture laboratories and (insert entire plot of Portal 2 from the moment Wheatley was put into GLaDOS and GLaDOS turned into a potato, just before old Aperture, to letting go of Wheatley on the moon).

"Oh cr*p! Son of a jackal gosh darn it to heck!" Chell cursed as she realized she had sent Wheatley into space a second time. "Know what? I liked GLaDOS better as a potato. She was so funny and helpless" She portaled an excursion funnel over to where Wheatley was. "Why didn't I think of this before? That could have saved me a bunch of time since I wouldn't have had to shoot every single square nanometer of sky!" She saw that it was a blue excursion funnel, which meant Wheatley would be going farther away. "DAMN!" She then portaled an orange excursion funnel and lowered them safely to Earth. Them? Yes, because she also got Space core. She uploaded Space core into GLaDOS and Wheatley described a step by step tutorial of how to recreate potatOS.

"How are you holding up? Cuz I'm a POTATO!" Chell sucked up potatOS's voice up her third nostril. Chell tickled potatOS with a single finger.

"Goochy goochy goo. Wait. I sound kinda like Cartman, my least favorite character on South Park! Blech!" Chell put potatOS's voice back.

"Space. Space. SPACE! Take me to SPACE, science dammit!" Space core was not happy being in GLaDOS's body. Wheatley never wanted to hear the word "space" ever again. In fact, so much he loathed that word, he thought it should become cussword status. It was a cussword so vile it made the eff dash dash dash word look as benign as 'fudge.'

"THIS SENTENCE IS..." Chell then remembered that Wheatley was no longer a moron so he would now be affected by paradoxes. She cut off her ears, duct taped them on Wheatley, and covered them with her hands so he wouldn't be able to hear this next bit. "THIS SENTENCE IS FALSE!" Nothing happened.

"Ha ha! Nice try, Chell, but I was built with paradox absorbing crumple zones." Chell couldn't think of a way to fight this beast since he wasn't shooting any missiles or bombs and there was no portalable surface in sight, but if she ran away, then no one would respect her ever again. He did leave the exit door wide open by accident, but Chell wasn't easily tempted. If she died, then it would be as if she did so with dignity, and she wouldn't be running away from the fight, either. Chell made up her mind. Ready, everybody in the magical, happy place where people who follow science as a religion go after they die? Okay, here goes. Chell died. Wheatley poked the dead Chell with a stick.

"Yeah, she's dead."

PotatOS was still lying on the floor in Space core's lair.

"Now what?" PotatOS wailed.


	3. Ness

**Chapter 3: Ness**

Meanwhile, Ness's class was on a field trip touring Aperture Laboratories. The tour guide showed them things like the room where the turrets are made, and the room where the crap turrets are thrown alive into the fire. Except these were the good turrets that were thrown alive into the lake of fire, as Ness realized wistfully. He broke away from the tour group, licked himself in his own spit like a cat so he wouldn't get burned too badly, jumped into the fire, grabbed one of the burning good turrets, and put it in the scanner before it got burned too badly. He put it in the scanner so that from now on only the crap turrets would be burned alive, tho even so he was still kinda wistful for them. Finally the tour guide took them to the GLaDOS room. One kid screamed at the sight of what looked to be a dead body. The kid was trying to think of where he had seen a woman in a white tank top and orange pants. "Chell? Oh my Science! Nah, she probably just ragequit by just deciding to die instead of either running and hiding or staying to fight. I feel no sympathy for her."

Ness stealthily put potatOS in his pocket and broke away from the tour group and decided to explore the vast laboratory that was probably bigger than the school ended up being in my Saved by the Bell crack. He found a kitchen. boy, was he hungry! He got out potatOS, diced her, and put her in the pot, and cooked her. He found a lemon lying around randomly and picked it up. "Oh come on! I'm too full to eat anything else. Those mashed potatoes tasted funny."

"I am Cave Johnson, uploaded into a lemon. A FREAKING LEMON! Listen, you must find Chell and tell her that Aperture science is in even more danger with Space core installed than when Wheatley was in place there. Space core wants to attach rockets to the Aperture building and take it up into space AND there is a core meltdown. Only Chell can calm him down."

"She's dead, dude."

"DEAD? No, no, no! You realize how important this is! The fate of science is at stake! You must research her life and find out whether she likely went to heaven or hell based on her deeds and then use the portal gun to portal her soul back into her body. And then once Space core is calmed down, she must reupload GLaDOS from the potato into the mainframe because she's the only one who knows how, with Wheatley serving as a thought inhibitor."

"Wait, that potato that I chopped up and turned into mashed potatoes was GLaDOS? Good one, Cave. What's next, the internet created the universe?" The Cave Johnson lemon wiggled a little bit as if trying to face palm, but was unsuccessful.

"YOU FOOL! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT THAT POTATO! YOU ATE GLaDOS! Have you pooped yet?"

"No."

"Good. There's still some time. We're gonna have to do some surgery on you to collect potatOS before you crap her out."

"Oh no! My parents warned me against unnecessary surgeries. If I do this, I will be grounded."

"You think I care about your fictional parents, Ness?" A couple turrets grabbed him and escorted him into an operating room.

A few hours later...

Good news: The surgeon found GLaDOS. Bad news: she is now a talking poo! PooOS as she will be called now. "Whew, that was a close call," the surgeon half sighed in relief. If he had waited any longer to do the surgery, he might not have had time to rescue her before being flushed down a toilet. He turned off the anesthesia and did a double take, looking at Ness, still cut open. "AW CRAP! I forgot to stitch him back up before turning off the gas! My boss is gonna kill me!"

"AAAAAH! I'M STILL CUT OPEN! WHAT THE HELL, MAN?"

"Sir, you have another patient coming in for surgery in just a few."

"Can it wait? I have some shit to deal with." The surgeon responded. The surgeon tried desperately to stitch him back together quickly without really thinking, but he ended up using sewing thread instead. "DOH! I am NOT gonna lose this kid!" So he grabbed the duct tape and attempted to duct tape the surgee back together. "There, you're all better now."

"But I still hurt all over and feel like I might fall apart any moment-"

"I said YOU'RE ALL BETTER! WHICH ONE OF US IS THE DOCTOR HERE?" Ness ran out of the operating room, holding pooOS in cupped hands.

"How are you holding up? Cause I'M A TALKING POO!" said pooOS.

"We have GLaDOS's A.I. but we lost the messenger."

"Don't forget you also have to make Wheatley stupid again and bring Chell back to life." Cave Johnson boomed.

"EW! Get that thing outta here! That belongs in the toilet! Go put it down in the toilet and wash your hands. NOW!" Atlas scolded.

"Um, I'll have you know there are no toilets in Aperture Science. Everyone just goes to the bathroom by portaling all their body waste into the Great Lakes." Ness pointed out.

Atlas laughed. "Oh yeah. No wonder the U.S. government renamed it lake Mi-SHIT-gan!" Ness got on his laptop and Googled Chell's name. He knew her full name to be Chell Suzanne Gorf. She had kinda become a celebrity for being the one to kill GLaDOS and sending Wheatley to school. Ness began asking questions to every person he could think of that knew Chell, including Wheatley, and at the same time educating them about the Christian Bible (I will spare you all the boring details.) He then began to weigh the factors, trying to decide if the good outweighed the bad. He finally concluded that Chell must have gone to heaven. So using various fundraisers, borrowing money from various student loans for college, and stealing from Cubscouts, he made enough money to buy enough ladders and duct tape to duct tape all the ladders together in a vertical ladder centipede. He climbed the ladders all the way up to the sky to get up to heaven. He scanned all the souls. Cave Johnson, Jesus, and Hitler? What was Hitler doing in heaven?

"Scuse me, does anyone know where I can find Chell Suzanne Gorf's soul? I looked all over heaven and I couldn't find it." A hippopotamus with cat ears stepped aside.

"Chell, you mean? You won't find her here. She went next door to hell for all the turrets she killed. Nevermind that she never had a chance to accept Jesus as her Savior. Turrets are cute."

"Oh come on! I bought all those You damn ladders for no reason! Anyway, I have another question. Why is Hitler in heaven? I am afraid to go to heaven now because he might put me in a concentration camp, but if I go to hell, I might be on fire forever. Talk about a sadistic choice!"

"Because he is." God said. "Now go!"

He then gasped at what he saw. Aperture science was lifting off the ground like a rocket, blasting into space. "I'm too late," he lamented. "Wait, no I'm not. I still have that portal on Chell's body, so I can take all the time I want," he said, and then he traveled the world and the seven seas. Using his portal gun. Oops! Now the portal to Chell's body disappeared. "DAMN!" He fired a portal somewhere on the ground, picked up a garden shovel and dug a deep, deep hole.

Meanwhile, at Aperture...

"SPACE, SPACE, SPAAAAACE! Now that I have attached rockets to Aperture and we are blasting off, I can now achieve my dream of going into SPAAACE!"

Meanwhile again, Ness had reached the earth's core. Hell. And then Chell. She must not be able to move on her own. Ness fired a portal on the cave wall and shoved Chell's soul through it. They were now on solid ground. "The ladder to heaven! I hope I can climb it faster than the Aperture science is rising off the ground." When he got to the top of the ladder, he still came up short, and the walls of Aperture were portal proof. He broke off a piece of a ladder, hurled it at a window, and shot a portal through the window. He climbed back down to the ground and shot another portal on the ground and he was now inside Aperture.


	4. No idea what to name it, just read

**Chapter 4: No idea what to name it, just read**

In the GLaDOS room, Ness shot a portal inside Chell's body and shot another portal on a wall somewhere and threw Chell's soul through it. He also lost his balance and went through the portal himself. He was now inside Chell's body.

"I'm back!" Chell cheered. "Dear Jesus, (insert prayer asking Jesus into your heart and to be saved). Amen." Chell prayed. She pooped out Ness.

"Ew! I smell like shit! I'm gonna need to take a million showers!" Ness complained. The battle against Space Core was identical to Wheatley now, except for the lack of portalable surfaces and gels, and Wheatley was now one of the attachable cores instead of Space core. And Space core was orbiting the moon with Edge of the Universe core orbiting it. "EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE! EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE!" it said repeatedly.

GLaDOS, er, Caroline, was back in her main frame once again.

"I didn't make Wheatley a moron again! I'm a failure!" Ness cried.

"Dude, chillax. Wheatley is smart enough to know how to keep GLaDOS from making bad decisions now."

"Huh. I never saw it that way before." Ness replied.

"Chell and Ness, you both have doomed us all. The good turrets that you saved from burning in the fire pit for all eternity want to kill all humans and rule the world! WE! ARE! SCREWED!" Chell and Ness both had oh crap looks on their faces.

3 years later, all of humanity was wiped out and turrets completely ruled the world, with one single turret acting as president of the world and ruling with an iron whatever turrets have that are equivalent to fists.

Space core was floating in space with Edge of the Universe core orbiting him and annoying him. "I wish I could take it all back. I'm sincerely sorry," said Space core. End credits song: Hot Problems sung by GLaDOS.


End file.
